Who Needs History When You Have Hollywood

Not Always Right
Retail | Myrtle Beach, SC, USA
(A tourist walks up to my register with a handful of trinkets. I ring her up, she pays, I bag the items, and hand her the coin change. As she steps away, I see a dollar still on the counter.)

Me: “Ma’am, you forgot the rest of your change.”

Tourist: “Oh! I guess I did, unless you were paying me in pesos.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Tourist: “Pesos. The money in Mexico.”

Me: “I know what a peso is, ma’am, but I’m not Mexican.”

Tourist: “Puerto Rican?”

Me: “Not even close.”

Tourist: “Cuban?”

Me: “No.”

Tourist: “What are you, then?”

Me: “I’m Native American.”

Tourist: “So am I.” (She’s white as notebook paper.)

Me: “No, I mean the people here before white people.”

Tourist: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You don’t know about Natives? Indians?”

Tourist: “Oh, you mean the people John Wayne killed off.”

Me: “Just take your change.”

Don’t Press Your Luck

Not Always Right
Fast Food | Lowell, MA, USA
Me: “Welcome to ***, may I take your order?”

Drive-thru customer: “Yeah, I’ll take the double cheeseburger.”

Me: “Okay, would you like to make it a value meal?”

Drive-thru customer: *screaming* “DON’T INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE! IF I WANTED A VALUE MEAL, I WOULD HAVE SAID VALUE MEAL!”

Me: “Fine, that will be $1.87 at window two.”

(He drives up, I take his money and hand him the food.)

Drive-thru customer: “I’m gonna need ketchup for the fries.”

Me: “Sir, you only ordered the sandwich, not the value meal. I can ring up an order of fries now if you’d like.”

Drive-thru customer: “No, you screwed up my order! I’m NOT paying for extra fries!”

(Fed up, I throw some fries in a bag and hand them to him.)

Customer: “Wait, is it too late to substitute onion rings??”

Me: *slams window shut*

Hulk Smash Weasel Customer

Not Always Right
Restaurant | Northville, MI, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling ******, my name is Ken and how may I help you today?”

Customer: “Do you guys make custom deep dish pizza’s?”

Me: “If by ‘custom’ you mean like a chef’s choice, then yes, we do.”

Customer: “And how much is that?”

Me: “Well, a regular sized deep dish, with tax included, will come to $18.01. With that, you get a choice of three toppings.”

Customer: “Great, then gimme a pizza with half pepperoni, sausage, and mushrooms. On the other half I want roasted veggies, bacon, and spinach.

Me: “Okay sir, now I must warn you that your new total comes to $24.37 because you have six items total.”

Customer: “What? No, I have three items on each side. Therefore, I should be fine.”

Me: “Sir, I do apologize for the misunderstanding. While it is true that you have three items on each side, the items are on ONE whole pizza. So, we have to charge you for the three extra toppings.”

Customer: “Now listen here! One regular deep dish is equal to two individuals, correct?”

Me: “Yes, but–”

Customer: “HEY, Shut up for a second! Now, two individuals are equal to one regular. CORRECT?”

Me: “Yes sir, it is.”

Customer: “Now using this logic, I should get my pizza for the price of two individuals.”

Me: “Sir, as much as I would like to agree with you, I simply can’t–”

Customer: “Let me see your manager. It’s obvious I can’t reason with you.”

(My manager comes up to deal with the situation. I walk away from the scene to seat some guests, when I hear…)

Manager: “HEY, 3+3=6, YOU HAVE 6 TOPPINGS, SO YOU OWE $24.37! HAVE A NICE DAY!”

(The guy quietly paid for his food and walked out like someone just threatened his life!)

Employee Of The Year

Not Always Right
Bookstore | Melbourne, Australia
Customer: “I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “Were you after a particular book?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “What was the title?”

Customer: “I can’t remember.”

Me: “Do you know who the author is?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you remember what it’s about?”

Customer: “I saw it recently…”

Me: “Can you tell me anything at all about it?”

Customer: “It had a nondescript cover.”

Me: “…”

(And I found it!)

Please Do Not Pet The Employees

Not Always Right
Zoo | Pittsburgh, PA, USA
(I was a volunteer at the zoo, and was walking around an exhibit room with a boa constrictor in my arms so people could pet her.)

Man: “Can we pet it? It’s not slimy, is it?”

Me: “No sir, not at all. She’s very sweet, go ahead.”

Man: *pets snake* “Wow, it’s really soft.” *reaches for my head* “Let’s see if its handler is, too…”

Me: “?!?” *dodges his hand*

(Thankfully, he left quickly!)

Yes, It’s For My Longmower

Not Always Right
Home Improvement Store | Chesapeake, VA, USA
Me: “Lawn and Garden, this is Karen.”

(The customer, a very nice lady, explains that she needs a part number for a belt on her riding lawn mower, but she can’t find the manual and doesn’t know the model number of the mower. I have her describe the mower for me so I can narrow it down.)

Customer: “Well, it’s last year’s Cub Cadet model with the 48 inch dick.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I mean DECK!!”

(It took me a good minute or two to stop laughing.)

Born To Offend

Not Always Right
Gas Station | Pittsburgh, PA, USA
Me: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”

Woman: “Oh, when is your baby due?”

Me: “I’m not pregnant, ma’am, just fat.”

Woman: “That’s very rude, you know. Pretending to be pregnant just so people can be nice to you!”

Me: *gritting teeth* “I am not pretending anything, ma’am, I promise you. Now, how may I help you?”

Woman: “No! You are a liar, and I am going somewhere where non-lying people can help me!”

Me: “Thank you ma’am, and have a nice day.”

Woman: “LIAR!”

Just… Wow

Not Always Right
Sandwich Shop | Oregon, USA
Customer: “I want the Cheesecake Sandwich with provolone, double meat and extra veggies.”

Me: “The Cheesesteak already comes with double meat. It will be a few extra dollars if I add more. We don’t have provolone, what cheese would you like instead?”

Customer: “You’re kidding, right? I’m not paying $10 for a sandwich! And without provolone! Just give me the extra meat, you don’t have to weigh it exactly. No one will know!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

(I weigh the meat to the correct portion and put it on the sandwich.)

Customer: “That’s too much meat! What are you doing?”

Me: “Actually, this is the correct portion. Would you like me to take some off?

Customer: “Only if you lower the price. I said add more meat, so ADD it! And why don’t you have provolone? ***’s has it… and where are the veggies?”

Me: “It typically doesn’t come with them, but I can add tomato, onions, lettuce, olives or mushrooms.”

Customer: “I can only pick ONE?”

Me: “No… any or all of them.”

Customer: “All of those are gross! God, who would eat that?”

Me: “… so no veggies?”

Customer: “Are they free?”

Me: “Yes…”

Customer: “Put them all on, and I’ll just pick off whatever I don’t like.”

Me: “Okay, thank you…” *smiling, thinking it’s over*

(After I finish the sub, the customer argues with the cashier over the price of the sub, demanding a discount.)

Customer: “This place is so expensive and I can’t even get provolone! The veggies are all mixed together! This isn’t like *** at all! I didn’t even want half of them! Where is your manager?”

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “You again!”

(The customer makes a pissed off face, and then opens the sub. They start picking it apart on the counter.)

Customer: “Your cashier is trying to ring me up, but that’s not the price! Refund me or I’m never coming here again!”

Me: “Actually, I just made that for you. You didn’t want the meat removed, so it is that price. I can remake it if you’d like, with less meat. Or would you still like a refund?”

Customer: “Never mind!” *throws sub in trash and leaves without paying*

(Just… wow.)

And They Say The Post Office Is Slow

Not Always Right
Post Office | Troy, NY, USA
(A customer is buying a stamp for a letter shortly after the 2007 price increase.)

Customer: “Why can’t I get a 39 cent stamp? You still have them.”

Me: “We still have them in stock, but we have to make up the difference with 2 cent stamps. Don’t worry, we’ll stick the right amount on for you.”

Customer: “I just want a 39 cent stamp.”

Me: “Okay, but your letter will not get there.”

Customer: “Just give me it!”

(The customer takes the stamp, affixes it, and tosses the letter into the slot. I promptly pick up the letter from the bin and stamp it “Insufficient Postage, Return To Sender”.)

A Nasty Case Of Selective Hearingitis

Not Always Right
Call Center | Salt Lake City, UT, USA
(I was working for the billing department for a big cable company. I speak english clearly but it’s my second language.)

Lady: “I just got my bill and it says I owe you $400 in adult films, but I haven’t watched them.”

Me: ”I apologize for the inconvenience, but we got that information from your receiver. Do you think maybe somebody in your house might ordered them?”

Lady: ”No, there’s only me and my nephew.”

Me: ”How old is your nephew?”

Lady: ”He’s 14 years old, but he would never do that! I need you to credit my account for the whole amount!”

Me: ”Again, I apologize for the inconvenience but I won’t be able to do this at this time. I see we have credited your account twice in the last six months.”

Lady: ”I need the credit NOW, you hear me!”

Me: ”I understand your frustation, but as I told you before it’s impossible for me to do that at this moment.”

Lady: “What? What did you say? I can’t understand you… you have a really thick accent!”

Me: “I apologize, I said I won’t be able to credit your account at this time”

Lady: “What? You need to learn english before you get on the phones, I can’t understand a word you said!”

Me: “Okay… so would you like me to credit your account for 600 dollars?”

Lady: “Yes, that’s what I’m asking for! THANK YOU…”

Me: ”Oh, so now you understand my English. Sorry, we cannot credit your account at this time.”

Lady: ”Let me speak to a supervisor!”

Visions Of Dogs Chasing Their Own Tails

Not Always Right
Key Shop | Chicago, IL, USA
Customer: “This electronic key does not work in my car.”

Me: “Does it turn in the ignition?”

Customer: “Yes, but it will not start.”

(I put the original and copy key in my magic decoder box and they check out fine.)

Me: “Well, let me have a look… where is your car?”

Customer: “At home.”

Me: “Well, you have to drive it here.”

Customer: “But the key does not work.”

Me: “Use your original key.”

Customer: “That does not work either.”

Me: “Okay, let me explain how this works. I make a copy of your key. If your key does not work, then the new key will not work either.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Let me put it like this. If you copy a paper with misspelled words the copier will not correct the spelling, because it’s a copy! What happens when you try the key?”

Customer: “The dash says ‘Code not found’.”

Me: “Well, then the problem is the car, not the key. It is not reading the code on the key.”

Customer: “So make me another.”

Me: “The problem is the car. Are you going to pay when the next one does not work?”

Customer: “No, I’m not going to pay for a key that does not work!”

Me: “So you want me to keep making keys for you until one works or I run out of them. But you will not pay for any of the keys that do not work even though the problem is your car, not the key.”

Customer: “Yep.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m just not that stupid.”

Bang Head Here

Not Always Right
Tech Support | London, UK
Me: “Hello, technical support, how can I help?”

Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong with my computer. Can you tell me?”

Me: “Well… can you explain what’s wrong?”

Customer: “Your job is to tell me what’s wrong.”

Me: “Yes, but unless you help me I can’t tell you what is wrong.”

Customer: “Why? Can’t you guess what’s wrong?”

(I have decided a this point whatever is wrong will be something stupid.)

Me: “Okay, maybe you can’t turn your computer on because it hasn’t got any power.”

Customer: *angrily* “DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID?”

(Suddenly, the customer calms down.)

Customer: “Sorry, you were wrong. It’s plugged in and the light is green. Can you guess what’s wrong? It’s still black on the screen.”

Me: “Well, is your screen on?”

Customer: “Yes, I just said it was. It’s just black!”

Me: “Right click.”

Customer: “Hey, it worked… oh, it was a screensaver. Couldn’t you have guessed it was that at the start?”

Me: *thud thud thud*

Customer: “What was that?”

Me: “Guess.”
Not Always Right

Even Paranoid Racist Nutjobs Have Bad Days

Not Always Right
Cell Phone Customer Support | Lake Mary, FL, USA
(Note: The cell phone provider I worked for does not have call centers outside of North America.They have some in Canada, but that is irrelevant to the following transaction.)

Me: “Thank you for calling C*** Wireless. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want a credit to my account.”

Me: “Well, I can certainly see what I can do for you sir. What seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “Where am I calling currently?”

Me: “Customer service, sir…?”

Customer: “Where are you located?”

Me: “Lake Mary, Florida.”

Customer: “I want a credit because the last person I spoke to from your company was in India.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have call centers in India. All our call centers are in North America.”

Customer: “Well, the person I just spoke with had a very heavy middle eastern accent and told me his name was Sam. Now I know he was lying to me, so I want a credit applied to my bill!”

Me: “Sir, this is the United States of America. There are many people in this nation with varying accents. I cannot credit you for speaking to an American with an accent.”

Customer: “I want to talk to your supervisor!”

Me: “Sir, I would be more than happy to allow you to speak with my supervisor. His name is Muhammed Alam… we call him ‘Moe’ for short. ”

Customer: *click*

Sorry I Asked

Not Always Right
Retail | Gorham, ME, USA
(I notice an older woman and her twenty-something long-haired son struggling to find a certain brush in our hair care aisle.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything?”

Mother: “Help me? Help ME? The only way you could help me is to make my Fabio son over here stop dating thirteen year old girls!”

Hopefully, She Got The House

Not always Right
Hotel | Rhode Island, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

Guest: “Hi, yes, I’m calling because your hotel charged our credit card twice?”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, if I can have your name, I’ll look you up in the computer and we can get this straightened out.”

Guest: *morphs into an uber-witch in 3 seconds flat* “Straightened out? D**n right you’re going to get this straightened out! You charged enough for that crappy little room, I’ll be d**ned if we’re paying for it twice! My husband works too hard for his money to be charged double for something like this! There wasn’t even a BAR there!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but if I can just have your name and the date you stayed–”

Guest: “That’s just IT! I was charged on two separate DATES. My name is _______ and my husband and I stayed there on June 9th. There’s another charge on there for the 17th, I want this fixed!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I understand, ma’am. I’m looking now, ma’am… okay, I see the problem. You did stay here on the 9th of June. I’m showing that someone by the name of [husband] stayed on the 17th.”

(There’s dead silence for a moment, and then whispering.)

Guest: “What?”

(At this point my stomach falls into my shoes, because I can hear her mind ticking away, and I know something she doesn’t: another name is listed on the screen with her husband’s for the June 17th stay, and it’s NOT HERS.)

Me: “Um… ma’am?”

Guest: “I see. You’ve been very helpful.”

Me: “Thank you ma’am. Can I help you with anything else today–”

(At this moment the woman drops the phone but does not hang up, and I hear her begin to scream at someone, swearing in combos I never would have thought up. I hang up quickly and try to go about my business, making a note of it to tell my boss. Then I get another phone call…)

Me: “Thank you for calling, how–”

Guest’s husband: “I want to talk to your manager, you stupid little b**ch! You dumb little c**t, you probably just cost me my marriage and I am going to sue your s**thole hotel for every penny it’s worth! Do you hear me? Do you?!”

Me: *click*

Me Customer, Me Hungry

Not Always Right
Pizza | Sacramento, CA, USA
(A new delivery driver mistakenly delivered the wrong pizza. This is the phone call I got about it, as the manager on duty.)

Customer: “Hi, I ordered a pizza from you guys a while ago, and they delivered the wrong one.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry! What was your order?”

Customer: “Mushrooms and green onions… the one we got had sausage. We can’t eat sausage! We’re vegetarians!”

Me: “Okay, do you still have the pizza? We can come by and switch them for you.”

Customer: “No, we ate it.”

Me: “You ate it?”

Customer: “Yes! Now, I’d like to get my money back. It was the wrong pizza.”

Me: “So… you want me to give you your money back… for a pizza you already ate.”

Customer: “Well we didn’t LOOK at it, we just ate it.”

(Eventually we settled the deal by giving the customer some in-store credit. Who doesn’t look at a pizza before they start shoveling it into their mouths?)

The Joy Of Sex(ism)

Not Always Right
Tech Support | Jackson, MS, USA
(I’m a male to female transsexual working in a call center. My name is an androgynous name, so I still use the male name when greeting customers for legal reasons.)

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, K***y speaking. How can I help you today?”

Sexist Caller: “You can’t help me. Get me someone who can.”

Me: “I’m sure I can assist you sir, what is the problem today?”

Sexist Caller: “I ain’t talking to you!”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Sexist Caller: “I ain’t talking to no girl.”

(This caused me to both be glad that my voice passes for female on the phone, but really pissed me off cause of how horrible it was…but I would have my revenge…)

Me: “I’m terribly sorry to hear that sir, are you sure?”

Sexist Caller: “Get me a man, God d**n it!*

Me: “Okay sir, let me see what I can do. Please hold.”

(I proceed to put him on hold. I then spend the next few minutes eating a snack, reading some web comics, etc. I then clear my throat, and hit the button to take him off hold.)

Me: *with my old male voice this time* “Thank you for calling technical support, this is K***y speaking, how can I help you?”

Sexist Caller: “Oh thank god, I though I was gonna be stuck with that b**ch.”

Me: “Understandable sir, she’s not that good a technician.”

Sexist Caller: “You guys got the same name, you related or something?”

Me: “No way, thank God… ”

(I proceeded to reinstall his operating system from where he had totally screwed it up. I got written up for this, all while the manager was laughing and apologizing that he had to do it.)

Extra Dumb Person:Rude Barista

Craigslist Ad Of The Day #2 - Rude Barista

the people at second cup are like so rude
Date: 2008-04-17, 5:05AM EDT

List Of The Day

To that girl who works at the Second Cup:

This has been eating me, it just really hurt my feelings and I need to get it off my chest okay?

You were like, totally mean to me. I was talking to my bf alright? I like him better than you, I'd rather talk to him than you, so next time could you just wait for me to hang up? Really, the line behind me isn't that long. You didn't have to look so bitchy, I was almost done, I mean, I was holding up my finger, that usually means wait! But you just went on to that next guy, so, like, I hung up for nothing?

Anyway when you finally got around to me it was like you didn't even want to take my order. I was nice, okay? I know what I want is complicated, so I said it real slow so understand. It's a grande vanilla latte with two and a half pumps of the SUGAR-FREE syrup. And skim milk.

But I want it extra hot, okay? To like 182.5 degrees. And no foam, I don't like foam, it's too much like when I used to eat my bubble bath as a kid. And, you know, the least you could do is double cup it, you know? A latte that hot could hurt me, I have sensitive hands.

Maybe you should, like, memorize this so that next time when I come in you recognize me and you know what I want right away. Yeah, whatever, you serve hundreds of people every day blah blah blah. I'm the orange spray tanned one with a purse I could fit a Doberman in. Oh and I'm usually wearing Uggs, they're just so comfy and stylish, you know?

You should totally try to learn your customers' orders, it makes us happy.

So anyway, when you finally got my order right I asked you for an apple baba, not so hard. My phone rang while you went to get a plate, it was really important so I took it. Anyway my bf was RIGHT in the middle of telling me how cute I am when you TOTALLY interrupted to take my money. Like, was I not obviously in the middle of something?

You'd think you could take a hint, like, if you tell me my total and I don't answer you'd just wait like any polite person, but no, you like basically yelled it at me, it was so embarrassing. I wasn't about to hang up again, okay? You're not the only one that exists!

So fine, I'll give you your stupid money, you're lucky I have exact change, even if I have to dig for it a bit in my enormous purse. I'm doing you a favor get over it.

But, like, it's hard to count change and talk on the phone at the same time, you know? Really, if I wasn't on the phone I could count like a normal person, but give me a sec, I'm multitasking, the people behind me get it, we've all had to before.

Tip? No, sorry, Daddy doesn't like me spending my allowance on things I don't need.

Anyway, you and your friend who makes the drinks were really bitchy. I was just asking her to make sure it was sugar-free, alright? Geez, you'd think I insulted your moms or something.

Have a nice day yourself. When I come back tomorrow to spend four hours on Facebook I'm totally not going to be as nice as I was today.

It (Almost) Never Hurts To Check

Not Always Right
Sporting Goods Store | Baltimore, MD, USA
Customer: “Let me see that knife in the case.”

Me: “Here ya go.”

Customer: “I don’t think this knife is sharp enough.”

Me: “Really? ”

(The customer pulls the blade across his palm, slicing his hand open and spilling blood all over the floor.)

Customer: “I guess it is.”

Me: “Would you like some paper towels?”

I’m So Smrt, I Dn’t Hve To Raed

Not Always Right
Library | Boston, MA, USA
(A library patron comes to the desk with her laptop.)

Patron: “I’m having problems getting on the internet.”

Me: “Well, if you’re connecting wirelessly, you need to log on to our network with your email address–”

Patron: “I know that! I’m not stupid. I put in my email and password and it won’t connect me!”

Me: “Okay, why don’t you try and log in here, and I’ll see if I can help.”

Patron: *logs on* “See! I enter everything and then it says Not Connecting You To The Internet. It’s been doing this for the past half hour…I keep closing it and trying again!”

Me: “Uh, that says Now Connecting You To The Internet…”

Patron: “No it doesn’t! It says Not Connecting You To The Internet!”

Me: “What’s that word?”

Patron: “Now!”

Me: “And the others?”

Patron: “Connecting You To The… erm. I have to go now.”